Souvenir of Sadness

Stand up! Nobody's dyin' to save you
Speak up! Nobody's waiting to see you
Wake up! Nobody's working to pay you
Let me make it clear you have this
Back then, nobody knew in the school yard
Now then! You have grown up to be this hard
Go then! Walk on this world with your heart scarred
You're the souvenir of sadness

This is how I've been feeling all day, just sad and unhappy. I've been eating non-stop today... I have a feeling it's emotional eating, which is okay. It's not like I'm worried about getting overweight, ha. I eat but I'm not happy with what I'm eating and I'm full but I'm still hungry. I just keep wandering to the kitchen and finding something else to eat. I've been admiring Jacob Black on my phone all day. I have never ever been so infatuated with a fictional character or celebrity, I don't know what is going on in my head but I am a little overly into this Jacob character. He's just gorgeous, really, really gorgeous. See for yourself... picture at the top. He is just a magnificent piece of wonder from God! So young though, 17. I hate to sound superficial but good Lord I pray He would bless me with a man that could rival this kids gorgeous good looks... See her I go again obsessing over this character. Any way, moving on. I tried my new "cleansing conditioner" today. It made my whole shower minty, it was kinda nice. We'll see how it works for my hair though, I'll give it a week. Oh and I don't think I've mentioned that I have a new job at Trump's Mar a Lago Club, yay! Also I am a registered Facial Specialist student. School begins in February and I'll graduate in June or July I think. I'm pretty excited about that too. I need to work on registering for PBA though. I don't know if my GPA will be up enough from this class. I really need to catch up on My Spanish Lab to make sure I get an A. But yeah, my job, I start making two dollars more than this crap hole job that I've been at for 2 years, and I get more hours as well and that's just to start. So aside from that good stuff, I'm still not happy which only proves to me more that no worldy thing can provide true contentment. These are one of those days I wish I could be drunk but it's a thought process like that, that keeps me from drinking... I do think I'll start taking my happy pills again tomorrow though, at least I can aim for artificial happiness... ugh. Night. I need sleep.

I just want to say how many calories I had for dinner

Well, I completely slacked on my schedule again today... not a single vitamin taken. I did take my Doxycycline though. I did some more research to find high calorie foods so I added trail mix and granola cereal to my shopping list. I was surprised at how many calories granola has. Tonight my dinner came to a whopping 2020 calories, wooo the crowd cheers... yeah I'm proud, and kinda hungry (I just ate only an hour and a half ago). Oh how I pray, I do pray... my health continues to improve.

I have more to say

I'm gaining weight and feeling better and that makes me super happy. Tomorrow afternoon I am going to go work out, no questions. I'll take it easy but still, I need to get in some physical activity, especially if I ever hope to play soccer again. Becca was over today which was nice, I'll see her again tomorrow since I have to take her to class. Tomorrow I start back on Doxycycline since I finished my Levaquin this afternoon. I'll be getting back on a regular schedule as well. I did a bit of my Spanish homework, I got a good amount done. M. Shadows has been all over his tank and I've been handling him more again. This weekend is a Christ Fellowship trip to Peanut Island, I'd really like Danielle to come with me, I've been wanting to snorkle again. Tomorrow I'll go to the dive store and look into some fins and a mask. Danielle has an underwater camera too, oh my I just remembered that. Aside from wanting her company, her camera would be nice too =p I just took a shower and tried Alba's sea salt scrub. It's not as "scrubby" as my honey sugar scrub I think but I can't tell if it smooths as much. I'll have to go to my dad's house to pick it up so I can try one week and try the other the next week. It leaves more oil residue but that's good for moisture. The big factor is to see if this stuff makes me break out... I forgot I was blogging for a while, haha. Any way, it's 2:20 a.m. and I need to get to bed.

Early November

Oy, so what hasn't been going on?

Well I now live on campus with my mom. I currently should be studying for a Spanish quiz later this evening. I'm finally gaining weight again. I'm doing pretty good in my class. I have a B at the moment. I really need to catch up with My Spanish Lab though, I'm kinda doing the same thing I did with Exploring the Bible and forgetting about the online work. Um, health-wise I'm actually pretty decent. My coughing has gone down a lot since my mom and I moved. I need to start working out again soon though now that I'm getting healthier. I did have a bug a week ago though. I had a fever and we thought I might have the flu because I was having a lot of the symptoms but it all went away in about a week which was a miracle, thank the Lord. I'm gonna start a new picture blog I think; it's where you take a picture of something that marks the day, every day. I think I'll do the picture with maybe a subtitle or something every day. Love life... well. Um. What can I say? I'm weighing the options currently. That's all I'm saying... Typically this blog is for myself and my family but with as much "research" a certain person does, I wouldn't be surprised if they've found this blog by now. So I think that's all for now, I need to go study so I don't bomb these quizzes.

I think I'll be a skeleton for Haloween

No, I don't need to go buy a costume. I'll just go as is, I mean I look close enough already... I just have skin.

I am NOT happy about my weight. I'm underweight and I'm nowhere near my goal for the month. I don't know where this nausea is coming from but it's keeping me from eating half the time. Not to mention my fast breathing and coughing burning up every calorie I eat. I still need to finish putting everything away in my room. I am coughing a little less though I will say. It's so difficult to trust that God will bring me through this and that I'll be okay when nothing seems to be improving but all I can think of is the song from Shane & Shane - but even if you don't... I'm trying to realize that my ideal plan may not be God's ideal plan and regardless of whether I'm healed, cured whatever, God is sovereign and He's there as my support. Oh the challenges of life...

Dishonesty Rant

So this is more on the relationship side of the spectrum; this is a little rant about honesty. Here's what sparked my ranting mood...

Khris posted on his status that he was going to a hot body contest due to "peer pressure". So I ask him later how the contest went and he says -

"8.5 out of 10
i won hottest future scar too
apparentley blue stitches are hawt"

Okay, whatever. So I move on for the most part. Well today he comments and says " I want my freakin souvenir" so here is how the rest of the convo goes-

Christina Michelle Dyben

well lemme know when you're not too busy with your hot body contests

Khristóphoros Letsos

ha
actually m.i.a that night
too busy blowin my nose off at home :/

Christina Michelle Dyben

which is it? did you go or not because you said you went and gave me the whole "8.5... i won hottest future scar too apparentley blue stitches are hawt" story...

Khristóphoros Letsos

you really believed that scar bit?!?
cmon!

Christina Michelle Dyben

maybe you should just try saying what actually happened for once... chicks at any hot body contest will say just about anything when you get enough drinks in them so the scar story isn't too far-fetched... I shouldn't have to decipher between fact or fiction anyway when you're simply telling me what you did the night before

Now, am I crazy? Or is it ridiculous that he can never just give me a straight up answer? That's one of the reasons I'm not with him and I've gone over this with him before. It is damn near impossible to get honest information out of this guy. The entire time we were dating it was like pulling teeth to find out about him and his life. At one point he told me the first month or two we were talking he'd always bs when I asked what he was doing, now he denies that he ever did that so either way he's lying at one or two points. I'm cool with jokes but they have a time and place and these "jokes" find their way into ou conversations way too often...

Dishonesty is like a boomerang, right about when you think all is well, it hits you in the back of the head.

One step towards beating anemia, zero steps toward beating cf...

So today I took my first step towards beating anemia... I had a salad. A very good salad actually; it had spinach, mango, carrot, dried cranberries and raspberry vinaigrette. All I was missing was apple and almond slices, I'll be going to the store tomorrow to get those. Since I'm not big on meat but I love veggies I figured I'd increase my leafy green intake. I totally bailed on my plan to do four respiratory treatments including the vest. I may do one before bed simply out of guilt and try again tomorrow. I'm also trying to find someone to either help or just completely clean my room for me. I really just need someone to take care of the piles and not make the whole thing look like such a huge project. I think if I got all of the clothes out of the way, like cleaned, folded and put away... it wouldn't be so scary because that alone (with the amount of clothes I have) is a humungo task to finish. It takes me about two days to do all my laundry if I wash everything... and then I also have towels and sheets that need to be cleaned. Ugh. I need someone to help me file papers, I have boxes of papers that I'm really not feeling like sorting and going through. Back to respiratory treatment thing... I figure if I do my best to duplicate the treatment I get in the hospital, maybe my breathing will improve. Usually I get treatments four times a day including cpt. Unfourtunately, no one is ever here to give me cpt so I'll be using the vest... Also, I'm going to begin pulmozyme again. I think I'm not supposed to because of the inhaler study but I'm really sick of feeling like this and I'm really not all that concerned about the guidelines if they're going to make me feel like crap and interfere with me getting better. I cooked a dinner for myself today, yay, rice and chicken. Tomorrow I'm going to try to have three full meals. I don't feel so much like I have to hurl anymore. One of the reasons I really, really need to clean my room is because I can't find all of my vitamins or my welbutrin and antacid. No bueno. Speaking of speaking Spanish, I have an exam that I need to study for. I've been youtubing the Jungle Book, Sesame Street and Muppets all night... totally avoiding my Spanish stuff.